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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Letter from Tom, the Australian Listener

If you've heard today's episode, you'll know we received an amazing voicemail from Tom, our favorite Australian listener. Just in case you're having trouble deciphering the English language through Tom's thick and luxurious Assie accent, he sent along a written version as well:


G'day Lautering Bytes! G'day Matt, G'day Rando, G'day Chris, G'day Brian ... G'day Chris Nieto's baby!

Just got back from shearing the sheep, and well now, jumping blooming jumbuck! A bloody book you say? Stella! Has the book got pictures in it? Me mate Tez reckon's that any book with a picture is a rippa thing - and dead easy to follow.

Now, I wouldn't have a bloody clue about this Assassin's creed game you're speaking of... is it on the NES? Or is it on one of those classy new gadgets like the super nintendo?

Anyhow, don't worry about it too much, I'll look into these Assassin Creed games a bit more, but let me tell you this: If you're gonna set a game anywhere, you should set it here in Australia. Like the Fallout 3 & 4 games. I was stoked at how accurate they got the Australian outback right. Although, I must say, the ants in the fallout games were a bit on the small side. Still, the games were tops.

As for what period you should set the new Assassin's Creed in? I reckon you should set it in the real wild time in Australia's past, the time when the entire population were criminals, and when life was desolate, hard, cold and short. I of course mean 2011.

You could call the main character Ned and he could wear a giant fuck-off iron helmet. He could range around the bush like some kind of.... bush-ranger type person. He could be off killing cunts and shit. I reckon you chuck in a couple of tits in the game, and bam! Game done. No worries. She'll be right.

Anyhow, I want to ask you blokes a question about something that's been irritating me.

I was playing that new game Starcraft the other day... the expansion - Brood Wars hasn't come out in Australia yet, so I haven't seen everything that Sarah Kerrigan has to offer but, from what I've seen - and this is only the main game mind you, but I reckon that a real bloke plays Terran.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm open minded. I've got a mate who'se Welsh - but the Protoss? Doesn't it seem a little... well, y'know, all those blokes running around with spirit crystal bases, relying on brain waves and dressing up in bright yellow armour? They look like a bunch of princesses if you ask me.

So, my question is this: What does Lautering Bytes reckon about those effeminate looking Protoss blokes? Are they blokes? Or blow flies on pigs arses?

Anyway, cheers, have a good one. Gotta run. A dingo just stole my fucking baby again.

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